Matt Saincome

Co-Founder at The Hard Times
Co-Founder at Hard Drive

What I look for in a pitch

I read everything, but only get back when something piques my interest

Calls for submission

Politics respond
Hard Money Packet
Word Length: 0-800

Editorial Vision:

We like money. We like making it, we like investing it, we like learning about it, and we like making jokes about it. Sometimes we lose more of it than we should and jokes can help in times like that. We think most Wall Street experts, hedge fund guys, and others who pretend to be able to predict the market are clowns. We’re retail investors, and we’re going to outperform the pros or go broke trying. 

And when you’re this obsessed with money and business a lot of social and political stuff other satire sites or comedy writing institutions focus on matters less. We’re capitalists. We have our opinions, but we're focused more on Disney’s upcoming stock movement and how we’re playing them than their CEO’s stance on a political issue. We want to be on the RICH side of history. There’s enough places and brands online who want to remind you how good of people they are. We’re ready to take satirical shots at anything and anyone, with a clear focus related to stocks, finance, crypto, gambling, and general degen culture.

What are we satirizing?

Bloomberg is the way investment professionals get their news. These financial headlines circulate on twitter and elsewhere in the form of concise, all-caps headlines. We will be creating absurd versions of these headlines – and ones about crypto – with (poor, quick) examples below:
 

**CHIPOTLE TO REQUIRE $300K+ INCOME VERIFICATION FOR CUSTOMERS WANTING MEAT IN THEIR BURRITO

Chipotle ($ticker) announced today that all of their stores will require official paperwork proving customers have a household income above $300,000 before serving them any meat. “The sickly poors” as the company called customers unable to overcome the income requirements, “will enjoy our delicious new lentils-only burrito options served via a special back alley window.”

 

**GOLDMAN DOWNGRADES MIDDLE CLASS TO ‘HOPELESS’ AS CRUDE OIL SPIKES

Goldman downgraded the middle class people to “hopeless” earlier today in a move experts are hailing as “long overdue.” The bank’s move was in part a reaction to the 7% rise in oil, but also just a general gut feeling they had after meeting their first working class person in years. 


**FED RAISES RATES, MILLIONS DEAD

The federal reserve raised rates 25 bps today, instantly killing millions of people, according to those who have died. “I, and many of my friends, were killed today,” one victim said. “Hopefully our memory can serve as an example for future generations of the loss these decisions can cause.” FEMA said it expects tens of millions of refugees to result from the fed rate hike.

 

What we need:

 

Please submit 5 headlines to this Call For Submission. If we see a spark, we will add you to a discord community where we work on these headlines with editors from Hard Times, Hard Drive, and other comedy places. Ones that go up on the site will be awarded a token of appreciation of $15. We know that's nothing, but these should take 5-10 minutes to complete and are an experiment. If we find success, we will find ways to make investments in the community and raise rates.

Hopefully, we all have fun and meet more people interested in finance and comedy.


 

Comedy, Music respond
Long Format Satire
Word Length: n/a

I'd really like to experiment with some new editorial offerings. Satirical album reviews, "how to" guides, satirical advice columns, basically anything that isn't just AP style news, I want to see if we can come up with some interesting, repeatable new format for it.

 

The key is this: the headline still needs to be funny. (At least I think). Stuff like "The Hard Times Responds to: x" Might not work because it won't have the organic viral nature of our other posts. So hopefully we can combine a funny headline, with a long body article that keeps people entertained. 

 

If you have a purely satirical idea (not humor, not snarky, pure satire) please pitch me the headline and a few paragraphs of it, enough to show me what it will look like but not so much that I don't want to reach some gigantic mess of a pitch.

Comedy, Music respond
Hard Times Submission Packet
Word Length: n/a

Please pitch us a 5 headline packet. Every submission from OutVoice is read by our editorial team. If one of your headlines stand out, we get back to you to assign the headline and add you to the freelance team.